Personification III: Revenge of The Coffee Dispenser

Today the free trade coffee in the dining hall had a new sign. I found it slightly creepy...

Jennie Finch's Pitching Tip of The Day

This is what happens when I'm bored. Don't get the wrong idea; I think Jennie Finch is an amazing athlete. I also admire the fact that inspires young softball players, and she contradicts the stereotype that all softball players are ugly, ginormous, lesbians. Plus, it's pretty cool that she's able to profit from marketing softball gear. However, she's quite ditzy. During the college world series she does these ridiculous short "instructional" clips where she gives you an idiotic "tip" that should be blatantly obvious to anyone with a modicum of common sense. If you need to know more, look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennie_Finc

h. She's one of the more recognizable female athletes these days. Anyway, I just couldn't resist:

Jennie Finch stands just outside the gate to the softball field, wearing a red, white, and blue uniform and a glove. She smiles and waves at the camera.

Jennie Finch: Hi, I’m Jennie Finch, and I like totally pitch for team USA. Today I’m gonna give you some like world class pitching tips! Come on!

She attempts to walk through the gate, onto the field, but pushes on the wrong side of the gate. She struggles with the gate for several seconds, looking perplexed, when the camera man finally speaks up.

Cameraman: Jennie, other side.

Jennie: Ohhhhhhh

Jennie opens the gate, walks to the mound, and spins around to face the camera.

Jennie: If you’re not a U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist like me, people hit like balls and stuff at you when you pitch. It’s important to like catch them so you don’t mess up your totally cute face.

Jennie bats her eyes at the camera. Sees her reflection in the lens, becomes mesmerized, and starts primping.

Cameraman: AHEM!

Jennie: Oh, right! Now, like pay super close attention. When someone hits a ball at you, use your glove, not your bare hand! Like this!

Cameraman lobs a ball at her. Jennie catches it and smiles.

Jennie: That’s all for today! Stay tuned throughout the… Squints and sounds out the word slowly brrrroaaadcast for more pitching tips, from me, Jennie Finch!

I Kissed A Squirrel (And I Liked It)

Well this is a sorry piece of song parodying. I didn't even have to change most of the words. *sigh* Enjoy.... ?

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, acorn in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of his furry texture
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

I know our order's not the same
It doesn't matter
Let's play this interspecies game
Screw mother nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of his furry texture
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

Oh squirrels, they are so magical
Soft fur, big tails, so kissable
Hard to resist, so stuffable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of his furry texture
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

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Dark Side of The Meat

Walked into Frary for lunch

I didn’t follow my hunch

Should’ve gone to Collins

Cause our standards have fallen

forgot it was taco day

Looked at the meat with dismay

As you see I was stricken

Cause they were serving sketchy chicken

Refrain: Sketchy chicken, why are you so small

I don’t like you at all

What are you trying to hide?

You’re not beautiful on the outside

The meat was ground to a pulp

I’d rather hang from a rope

Than have grilled cheese again

As a substitute for chicken

This looks like free range rat

I didn’t pay to eat that

I dropped a piece and it bounced

Freshmen 15’s now the freshman ounce

Refrain

Ohhhh you look like an amoeba

Why are you so grey?

Hey didn’t I see you on Fear Factor?

Well didn’t I?

Refrain

Sketchy chicken!

Don’t eat at Frary, the chicken is scary

Sketchy chicken!

Don’t eat at Frary, the chicken is scary

Sketchy Chicken!

Don’t eat at Frary the chicken is scary!!!!!!!!