I got a tablet for Christmas. Say goodbye to those horrendously drawn cartoons!

Monologue With A Twist and A Hint of Lemon

Sometimes you want to get together so badly, but the pieces just don't fit. You realize that you've spent all this time and effort trying to shove yourself into a space that you don't even fit into. Then you feel like you're losing, like time is running out and problems are stacking up to the ceiling at an alarming rate. Soon you'll have no room left to breathe, to think, to live! The pressure is unbearable.You feel like you're suffocating, and you start to panic. "Why, oh why," you wonder, "did I waste my time hoping to connect? I should have just cut my losses and moved on." Who would have though that one miscalculation could lead to this towering stack of problems? Now your eyes are brimming with tears as you scramble to salvage what is left of your dignity, to avoid countless hours spent staring down at the bathroom tiles seeing your mistake reflected back at you. NO! This time will be different! This time you will prevail! You will summon up all of your strength to build a solid wall against the forces that dare oppose you! AHHHH!!!! Tetris, I shall vanquish thee!!!

My First Contest Entry

I wrote this in 45 minutes for a contest held by "Passwords," a literary magazine at Pomona College. The prompt was "happy ending." Ew.


Fairy FAIL


The princess finally reached the top of the tower
She’d been climbing the stairs for over an hour
A fantastic view was her handsome reward
But after a while she became bored
She turned to leave with a dramatic sigh
When she saw a spyglass out of the corner of her eye
Intrigued, she walked up to the viewing spot
But when she looked through the eye hole she couldn’t see squat
Then she found a coin slot that said “twenty five cents”
So she searched in her purse, she’d spare no expense
When she found no quarters she let out a shriek
This was the last straw, it was a terrible week
No sooner had her shriek faded into the breeze
Than a prince on a horse shot out of the trees
He rushed toward the tower, yelling “I’ll save you!”
The princess shook her head, he hadn’t a clue.
She tried gesturing wildly to get him to stop
But he just got there faster, then raced to the top
She tried all she could to push him away
But he intended to “save” her and marry her that day
There’s no happy ending, the future looked bleak
Just a horrible ending to a terrible week

Girls Without Visors

I wrote this for my softball team.

FYI: A safety catch is a type of catch executed by outfielders when a ground ball is hit and there is no particularly urgent need to throw it in. (It takes more time than a running catch aka a suicide catch)It involves getting down on one knee with the glove in the gap created between the foot that is out and the knee that's on the ground.


Safety Catch (To the tune of Safety Dance by Men Without Hats)

S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y
Safe, catch!

[Spoken]
We can catch if we want to
We can’t let the ball behind
'Cause the fence don't catch and if it don't catch
Well it’s no friend of mine
I say, we can throw where we want to
A base in a chest high line
And we crow hop like we come from out of this world
Leave the ground so far behind
And we can catch

[Sung]
We can catch if we want to
We can’t let the ball behind
'Cause the fence don't catch and if it don't catch
Well it’s no friend of mine
I say, we can throw where we want to
A base where they will never find
And we crow hop like we come from out of this world
Leave the ground so far behind
And we can catch
Catch!

We can catch when we want to
If the ball goes to grass from dirt

And we’ll lay out real neat from our gloves to our cleats
then surprise 'em with the victory CHIRP!
Say, we can catch if want to
If we don't nobody will
And we can dive real smooth with total attitude
Get all our shirts smeared with chlorophyll

[Refrain]
I say, we can catch, we can catch
Everything’s under control
We can catch, we can catch
We're fielding it between foul poles
We can catch, we can catch
Everybody cheer in the stands
We can catch, we can catch

Nobody’s takin' a cha-a-a-ance

Safety catch
It is safe to catch
It is safe to catch

S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y
Safe, catch!

We can catch if we want to
But we’ve got to call out “MINE!”
As long as we execute it, never gonna boot it
Everything'll work out right
I say, we can catch if we want to
We can’t let the ball behind
'Cause the fence don't catch and if it don't catch
Well it’s no friend of mine
[Refrain]

It is safe to catch, oh it is safe to catch[6x]
It is safe to catch

Sweaters On Teeth

This is what I think of when I hear people say "I've got sweaters on my teeth."

Personification III: Revenge of The Coffee Dispenser

Today the free trade coffee in the dining hall had a new sign. I found it slightly creepy...

Jennie Finch's Pitching Tip of The Day

This is what happens when I'm bored. Don't get the wrong idea; I think Jennie Finch is an amazing athlete. I also admire the fact that inspires young softball players, and she contradicts the stereotype that all softball players are ugly, ginormous, lesbians. Plus, it's pretty cool that she's able to profit from marketing softball gear. However, she's quite ditzy. During the college world series she does these ridiculous short "instructional" clips where she gives you an idiotic "tip" that should be blatantly obvious to anyone with a modicum of common sense. If you need to know more, look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennie_Finc

h. She's one of the more recognizable female athletes these days. Anyway, I just couldn't resist:

Jennie Finch stands just outside the gate to the softball field, wearing a red, white, and blue uniform and a glove. She smiles and waves at the camera.

Jennie Finch: Hi, I’m Jennie Finch, and I like totally pitch for team USA. Today I’m gonna give you some like world class pitching tips! Come on!

She attempts to walk through the gate, onto the field, but pushes on the wrong side of the gate. She struggles with the gate for several seconds, looking perplexed, when the camera man finally speaks up.

Cameraman: Jennie, other side.

Jennie: Ohhhhhhh

Jennie opens the gate, walks to the mound, and spins around to face the camera.

Jennie: If you’re not a U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist like me, people hit like balls and stuff at you when you pitch. It’s important to like catch them so you don’t mess up your totally cute face.

Jennie bats her eyes at the camera. Sees her reflection in the lens, becomes mesmerized, and starts primping.

Cameraman: AHEM!

Jennie: Oh, right! Now, like pay super close attention. When someone hits a ball at you, use your glove, not your bare hand! Like this!

Cameraman lobs a ball at her. Jennie catches it and smiles.

Jennie: That’s all for today! Stay tuned throughout the… Squints and sounds out the word slowly brrrroaaadcast for more pitching tips, from me, Jennie Finch!

I Kissed A Squirrel (And I Liked It)

Well this is a sorry piece of song parodying. I didn't even have to change most of the words. *sigh* Enjoy.... ?

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, acorn in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of his furry texture
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

I know our order's not the same
It doesn't matter
Let's play this interspecies game
Screw mother nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of his furry texture
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

Oh squirrels, they are so magical
Soft fur, big tails, so kissable
Hard to resist, so stuffable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of his furry texture
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

Hey! Listen! ...to this advertisement!

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Dark Side of The Meat

Walked into Frary for lunch

I didn’t follow my hunch

Should’ve gone to Collins

Cause our standards have fallen

forgot it was taco day

Looked at the meat with dismay

As you see I was stricken

Cause they were serving sketchy chicken

Refrain: Sketchy chicken, why are you so small

I don’t like you at all

What are you trying to hide?

You’re not beautiful on the outside

The meat was ground to a pulp

I’d rather hang from a rope

Than have grilled cheese again

As a substitute for chicken

This looks like free range rat

I didn’t pay to eat that

I dropped a piece and it bounced

Freshmen 15’s now the freshman ounce

Refrain

Ohhhh you look like an amoeba

Why are you so grey?

Hey didn’t I see you on Fear Factor?

Well didn’t I?

Refrain

Sketchy chicken!

Don’t eat at Frary, the chicken is scary

Sketchy chicken!

Don’t eat at Frary, the chicken is scary

Sketchy Chicken!

Don’t eat at Frary the chicken is scary!!!!!!!!

If Pirates Wore "I'm with stupid" Shirts...

Dr. Mediocre

I found out about Dr. Horrible just in the nick of time thanks to Facebook feed and a couple of really excited friends. I love Joss Whedon, and I was really excited about viewing his latest masterpiece. Several hours of my weekend were spent watching Dr. Horrible (twice). Ultimately that second viewing was a waste of time. Dr. Horrible is not bad, but I definitely isn't on par with Buffy or Firefly. The most accurate word for it would be "cute." The songs were catchy, the characters were likeable, the acting was good, I chuckled a couple of times at smattering of humor thrown in. There was simply nothing profound about it, and it was neither laugh out loud funny, nor insightfully humorous. The best example of the humor you'll find in Dr. Horrible is the song that the Dr. sings about his freeze ray. He sings about stopping time and the pain in his heart with the freeze ray. I LOLed, but nothing more. That's pretty much how the rest of the film is, once you get past the painfully long opening vlog (That part was just unneccesarily long). There are also some LOLworthy scenes that make fun of cheesy stock hero characters. You know, it's kind of funny, but somehow it's just missing something. From the way people on Facebook had been raving about it I was expecting to have my mind blown. Nope. I think people are so obsessed with Dr. Horrible because it was a Joss Whedon project. Come on people, you don't have to worship the guy. Not everything he makes is epically awesome. Be honest.

Now, while the content of the film failed to impress, the thing itself was pretty badass. Some of the most talented people in show business got together to show the corporate bigwigs that they are capable or creating quality work on their own. They definitely succeeded in that respect. The film was pretty damn high quality; it's awesome for a project they slapped together because they had nothing else to do during the writer's strike. The form was also pretty cool. Blending a vlog form with a musical was pretty genius. It's nice to see something different like that every once in a while. I think that given more time and polishing, Dr. Horrible would have the potential to push the comedic envelope. For what it is, the film is pretty good though.

I'll probably buy Dr. Horrible when/if it comes out on DVD (I like tangible things and special features. Downloads aren't my thing) to show some support for my "peeps." I'd especially be interested if the songs were released on a CD. So there you have it. Definitely buy Dr. Horrible, it's worth it. Do not, however, make it into something it's not. Don't feel like you have to like it just because of all the hype, and please don't tout it as "comedy of the year/century/eon," because it isn't. It's brilliant on other levels, but not on a comedic one.

Punched! With criticisim!

I seem to have a new pet peeve, thanks to youtube. I just want watch some SNL sketches, but sometimes I have to skim through a bunch of "SNL parodies" to find them. Most of these so-called "parodies" are not even parodies. They're just imitations of SNL sketches. Take this one, for instance:

There are quite a few things wrong with this picture. First, as I've already noted, this is just an imitation. There's nothing funny about it. Now, this video might be funny as an inside joke to a small group of friends. In fact, I'm pretty sure that was the point of it. However, if that's the case, what's the point of posting it online? It just adds to the collection of useless junk on the internet and invites scathing comments.

A better parody would make fun of SNL. For instance, you might post a video that shows someone (mercifully!) punching people who are about to watch SNL. Thus you'd have a double whammy. You'd be parodying the SNL sketch itself, while making a broader statement about the poor quality of the current SNL sketches. Sometimes I wish someone would punch me to save me the trouble of watching it...

Finally, these kids could definitely pick something better to copy. This SNL sketch is no good at all. It's even on the low end of slapstick comedy. Pies in the face would've been funnier. Really, running around punching people and then doing a stupid dance at the end barely qualifies as comedy. That's something any small child could ffilm and stick on youtube. I wish the video sketches would be a little edgier. They're really hit and miss these days.

Today's Comedic Endeavor

I made this up in the shower...